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Friday, August 1, 2014

I'm Wore Out

I'm wore out from the trauma in my life, it made me feel very withdrawn. I feel that I have PTSD, as I don't deal well with trauma, and the memories never go away. I am constantly terrified of the memories, I feel that I am reliving the horrors! I just want to take things easy, but it's hard to do when everyone wants me to work all the time. Too much physical exertion, to the point of exhaustion due to my fibromyalgia makes me have paranoid behavior, and when people don't believe that my problems are real, it makes me feel worthless, and it just adds to the stress and painful memories...

People expect too much of me, as they see my youth as strength, when in all reality I still feel so worn out, which I always have, ever since I was a teenager. I am high-functioning autistic, and people expect too much out of me only because I have the necessary language-skills, when in all reality I don't understand half the things being told to me, and when I get yelled at for the slightest misunderstanding, it hurts my feelings and it causes my paranoid behavior to spiral out of control!

I don't know how to explain how I feel or what I think, so it makes other people frustrated and they misunderstand what I'm trying to tell them. If it isn't bad enough that I can't explain to my doctors the feelings I have, because of this lack of language, they can't properly diagnose me with PTSD, and whatever other problems I may have... I suffer from constant anxiety, and it's no wonder that I got addicted to opioid pain medication, because besides the marijuana that I had to give up, the opioids were the only thing that made me feel "normal" for once in my life! All of the paranoid behavior ceased when I used marijuana and opioids, the stress was bearable, and I felt happy. I just want to relax, is that too much to ask?!

Welcome Now, Now You're Here

Welcome now,
Now you're here;
Don't go away,
Stay near.

Don't go away,
There's more on the way!
Stay here,
Don't ever fear!

This is Joseph D. Smith,
Self-titled blog,
Welcome now,
This is my weblog!

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